Blackadder's navel larks or, the Captain and his Seamen
by Hamfast Gamgee
Summary: As it is, at the time of writing, nearly the hundredth year anniversary of WW1, Blackadder goes to the Navy, which is one thing which the TV series did not do, so I thought that I would. And as it involves a very cunning ship captain, I couldn't help but throw in a bit of Star Trek as well. hope you enjoy, pleaseR@R, Ham.
1. Chapter 1

In an office in a mansion in France 1915 sat a British officer looking at some notes and laughing. This was Captain Darling. Kevin Darling. He was and was attracting some attention. He noticed some soldiers nearby looking at him nervously. There was a reason for this. It was an unfortunate factor in Darling's personality that he was something of a sadistic maniac. If Darling was happy, this was probably because someone else wasn't. Now, to be fair to him, Darling was aware of this fact in his personality and in his gentler moments did try to do something about it. Indeed had he been born a few decades later an expensive course of therapy might have done the trick.

But this was 1915 and the British army where sadism and bullying were considered positives in a Captain's makeup. Especially when there was such a tempting and handy victim at hand. One Captain Edmund Blackadder. He had been summoned and Darling had some very unpleasant news for him. And he was late. And he had bought that daft Lieutenant, George Hannover, nephew of Melchett's with him. Still Blackadder always was late. Darling thought that Blackadder did not treat his superiors with the proper respect. Though of course, technically Darling was of the same rank, but liked to think of himself as superior. Blackadder was concerned by the look of joy on Darling's face as Blackadder entered the office chamber. 'Come on, out with it, stop smirking, give me the bad news,' he said.

Darling grinned. 'Ha, ha, how do you fancy a change of scene, Captain?'

'A change of scene, how spiffing, do you think we might be sent on another secret mission?'

'George, do you remember how "spiffing' our last secret mission was? Sent by this cret...Captain here? Six hours in no-mans land, looking at a machine-gun point, which, as it happened did not even exist.'

'Come on skip, there was a nice full moon!' Replied George, ever cheerful.

'It was not a full moon, it was cloudy, drizzly, cold, and been the first of the month the moon could barely be seen, I think that you are confusing that mission with one of your dates. But anyway, darling, hurry up,' Blackadder wanted news of his mission of course.

'I want you to take a break from the trenches,'

'That doesn't sound so bad,'

'For a change of scene'

'Now why am I suspicious?'

'Blackadder, you are going to join the Navy!'

'WHAT?' This was worse news than even Blackadder had feared. Blackadder loathed the navy and the sea. His opinion of ships was that it was as bad as the trenches only with the added fear of drowning. Especially as the German navy was actively seeking to do this with exploding torpedoes launched at the ship which was between him and the cold, wet, blue sea. Blackadder noticed his superior officer, General Melchett enter the office. Blackadder tried to reason, though his hopes were not high with his General. 'For the love of god I am an army man, why send me to the sea?'

Darling was the first to answer, 'Possibly some might say that this is for my own personal sadistic pleasure, but this is on fact, a mere side-effect. Go on, General explain.'

'Good day, and what do you think of your new posting?'

'All I can say General is that it was a better day before I heard the news'

'Oh, bravo General, I am so excited to be going to the sea!' Guess who said that.

'Oh, Blackadder, what's the problem you and your men have always looked like good seamen to me!' Said the General with a Freaudian slip, 'and I'm sure you like the taste of the old sea dog, 'General Melchett said down and rubbed his moustache. He did look for all the world like a kindly old uncle and what he was about to say did sound reasonable. Till one heard the actual words He spoke. 'Thing is, Captain is that we are having problems with our supplies in the Mediterranean. Take a look at this,' and he showed some paper to Blackadder. Then Melchett looked at it, 'Oh, sorry, that's this weeks chateau menu, I can't give you those orders, that would make no sense whatsoever!' he laughed. 'So, we need men like you to guard the supplies in troubled waters.'

'At least we will be in the sun, then,' but those happy thoughts of Blackadders were dashed.

'So you are going to the North sea.' Melchett finished illogically.

'Did I miss something?' Asked Blackadder as Darling laughed.

'Everything's connected, everything's connected,' declared Melchett.

'How so?'

'U boats, you need to do something about them, there are many in the North Sea!'

'For heavens sake,' Blackadder finally snapped. 'You do realise that this makes no sense whatsoever don't you? We are soldiers, what are we going to do about U-boats fire pistols at their iron clad hulks?'

'Funny thing about you, is that you can be a bit defeatist at times Blackadder,'

'Good luck against those u-boats,' chortled Darling.

'Oh, please,' groaned Blackadder.

'Any way, I'm in a charge and what I say goes if it makes sense or not. What's my name?'

'Insanity?' thought Blackadder. It there was no changing he General's mind.

'Darling, give him the details,' ordered General Melchett.,

The next morning at 9am sharp he was to be picked up by Private Bob and driven to the port where his ship awaited. 'And don't you dare be late and miss it,' growled Darling.

'Oh, no, absolutely not, Blackadder lied. But that gave him an idea. At 8pm the next day, he looked around in the early morning must and saw one Lieutenant Tolkien, the teller of entertaining tales. Blackadder greeted the man and took him to the corner of the trenches were neither could be easily spotted. 'These poems of yours,' he said, 'why don't you tell me about them, I've heard rumours that they are fascinating.'

Which was enough for Tolkien to give a long and detailed explanation of his made up world. Time passed.

George shouted across the trenches, 'It's ten to nine, come on.'

'Coming George, as quick as I can,' Blackadder lied again. 'Erm, Hobbits, what are they?'

Tolkien replied, 'An essential part of my creation you see,'

George spoiled Blackadders desperate scheme to be lateby spotting him and Tolkien in the corner of the trenches. 'Come on, Sir, buckle up you have a ship to catch, you don't want to be late,' said he, then he noticed Tolkien. ' I say, Sir why are you talking to old Trollers here?' He gave Tolkien a chirpy slap on the back, characteristically ignorent of the black stare the future fantasy author was giving him. 'He does write charming but totally nonsensical tales. It all goes a bit above my head.'

Tolkien said sharply to George, 'Why don't you ever speak properly in English?' As he did always appreciate good English, something which to George was a foreign concept.

Blackadder laughed. It seemed that there was something which he and Tolkien did agree on that was the character of George. 'Good morning to you, Lieutenant,' said he and departed. Tolkien had the mistaken impression that he had a fan for life! Though he did observe the behaviour of George and decided that the dim, but cheerful and essentially English character of his would be a perfect base for one of his own Hobbit characters. Can the reader guess which one?

Anyway, Blackadder was been given a military lift to the port. The General wanted him to arrive at the sea as quick as possible, he supposed. He was been given a lift by Private Bob. Bob looked very fetching in an army skirt, flowing hair and attractive blouse. She was Bob short for Kate. This was a long story which cannot be repeated here. She was chortling much to Blackadders dismay. 'Oh, Edmund, you are going to the North Sea assigned to the Richard the fourth.' She giggled. 'Do you know how far North you are going, how near to the German fleet you will be and how you will suffer?' Blackadder shook his head. 'You soon will. Still. I almost envy you. I have had enough of dry land and would like a stint in the Navy,'

'Is that because you have had every soldier and now want to try your luck with the navy?' asked Blackadder sharply, as he knew Kate very well.

'I like been on a ship full of seaman,' smiled she.


	2. Chapter 2

So, Blackadder was on a ship. A convey of ships to be precise. Sailing on the cold north sea, the choppy waves causing the ship to go up, down, up, down, up, down and maybe sideways as well. The coastline was disappearing in a depressingly swift manner. The Gulls did cry majestically. Then one crapped right on Blackadder's navel cap. As it happened, Blackadder hated Gulls and swore loudly at them. At his side, but a bit lower down was Private Baldrick whom Blackadder had the misfortune to be the commanding officer of. However Baldrick was looking strange. Or at least, stranger than the ugly little runt normally did. Blackadder had a go at conversation. 'So, Baldrick, how do you feel about our new assignment?'

Baldrick's face turned green. 'I feel sick, sir!' said he and promplty threw up over the railings in the the sea.

'Ah, sea-sickness, it could happen to anyone, I suppose,' said Blackadder, but Baldrick wasn't paying much attention, concentrating on throwing up.

When he stood up his face was covered with his own vomet as he had been sick right into the howling gale. 'You know, that's almost an improvement, Baldrick, but I think that for once in my life I am going to follow you,' and likewise was sick into the choppy grey waters. But in Blackadder's case he was careful to be sick with the wind. However, it was a rough passage of sea and just about everyone on the King Richard was sick. Due to the chopping of the waves, the wind, the unpleasant smell of engine oil over the decks and due to the fact that it was early in the voyage and even experience mariners had not got their sea-legs on yet. Everyone save... Lieutenant George. Lieutenant George Hannover was apparently immune to sea-sickness and equally oblivious to the issues this was causing everyone else.

He was munching on a bright yellow banana close to Blackadder, blissfully ignorant of any danger he was in with his Captain. He gave the Captain a friendly pat on the shoulder, 'Oh, sir, what joy, out in the open air, the blue sea, the wind, the seabirds, what a nice change from those stuffy old trenches, eh skip? Fancy a banana?' he asked in genuine kind naivety. Blackadder face turned greener at the sight on the fruit and he was sick a bit more. Well, if looks could kill, the one which Blackadder sent to George would have had the Lieutenant as dead as if he had been shot in the chest by a German machine-gun in the trenches.

'George, it is not a blue sea, it is a sort of dark-greeny grey and the wind is a gale!'

'If you say so, skip, if you say so,' replied George cheerfully.

'Plus, it might have escaped your normal air of mindless jollity, but I am, like the rest of the crew a little bit unwell at the moment.'

'You do look a bit funny, I must say now that you mention it sir, didn't notice this before,'

'Yes, well, quite why the good lord has decided to spare you from this misery must be one of the greater celestial mysteries,'

'Indeed, I always enjoy a sea voyage from the start,' grinned George.

Blackadder resisted the urge to punch George in the face. But at least now the sea-sickness was passing. Maybe the day was improving. Or maybe not. Two rather unkempt ratings appeared in front of him. They had suspicious grins on them. But Blackadder decided to be nice. 'And who are you?' asked he.

The two started chuckling. One was blond and short, the other tall and dark and lanky. 'We are the 3 sillies,' said one. 'We are the comic relief aboard this ship. The crew love all of the hilarious pranks we like to play on the rest of them. All in good taste of course.'

Blackadder was now fed up with been nice. 'So why are there only two of you, then?'

'The third one is behind you,' one laughed and to Blackadder's dismay, but much to the amusement of everyone else on board, even the ship's Captain, pulled Blackadder's trousers down, revealing a nice pair of spotted pants. And a pair of rather lanky, skinny hairy legs. Well, this was seemingly a welcoming prank to a new officer. It was a bit disrespectful, but seen as everyone else enjoying the gag, there was not much he could do against the will of the ship. He decided to give each of them a writhing stare, though this did not seem to have the desired effect as one of the gang blew a horn and the others started a little dance. So Blackadder decided to give them a quick word.

'All right, you got me that time. But let me tell you just one thing. If you play one more of your hillarious pranks upon me, I will revive that fine old naval practice of kee-hauling on all 3 of you. Now, dismissed!'

Blackadder then remembered to pull his trousers up. George came to him laughing, 'I say, sir, have they always been like that?'

'Have what?'

'Those legs of yours. You really should put some meat on them!'

Then the Captain of the ship came to speak to him, 'Have they always been like that?'

'What?'

'Those legs of yours, didn't realize that you landlubbers were so sknny!'

'Yes, yes, yes,' said Blackadder who was getting tired of the leggy discussion. He asked the officer, 'Now you came to me for a reason, come on out with it!'

'Oh, yes, a strategy meeting in the mess. It's time to full you in on our journey tactics.'

Blackadder was relieved to hear that they had some kind of journey tactics. But not so much when he heard of them. The Captain, it turned out was in the Melchitt school of strategy. In fact, they went to the same training school even. He was such a total incompetent that Blackadder became worried that he might have to take charge of the ship himself to spare lives. In Blackadder's humble opinion the Captain was not fit to shovel the ship's urine from one part of the latrine to the other. The discussion was had over dinner, but the dinner wasn't much good. Fish and what looked like some kind of seaweed. Blackadder was not a fan of fish at the best of times, and this was not his idea of haute cuisine. And as for the strategy! The Captain of this ship seemed as bonkers as his other commanding officer. 'What we need to do is to patrol the Norwegian border. German ships have been known to be there, and we need to be ready for them. The destroyers in particular!'

'And what do we do when we meet a destroyer?'

The Captain took out a large cigarette. He twiddled it, light it then took puffs of smoke out of it. He sighed contentedly. 'well, to be totally honest, I don't pay much attention to that type of thing. Normal tactics is to go up close and I believe let loose with all the guns that we have.' Blackadder did notice the assistant to the Naval Captain, one first officer Dave giving a little smile at him. This man seemed at least to be competent and Blackadder was relieved that at least someone else on this vessel was.

Blackadder tried once more, 'But what about those U-boats, what do we do about them?'

'U-boats, u-boats, don't be so defeatist, you do u-boats,' replied the Captain.

'Absolutely flaming mad, they all are,' stormed Blackadder as he left the smoke-filled mess.

'How did it go, how was dinner,' asked George, ever jolly.

'Well, I suppose that congratulations are in order,' said Blackadder, 'I think that they have actually managed to make something more disgusting than rat!' Rat been the stable fair of the trenches.

'Supposing next time I liven the dish up with a little mayonnaise sauce?' suggested Baldrick.

'I think not,' vetoed Blackadder firmly. Blackadder had once had some sauce from Baldrick called creme a la menione. On further investigation it turned out to be cat vomit. What Baldrick could do with Mayonnaise on fish troubled Blackadder's deepest imagination. But Blackadder bade his men goodnight and turned in. It was going to be a long day tomorrow and in a cabin, which Blackadder insisted upon been his own and Blackadder entered into a series of alternate sexual deviant or violent war flashback dreams. The next day dawned fine and sunny. For five minutes. Then, this been march in the north sea it became cloudy, wet and windy. Windy? More of a storm, actually. Blackadder awoke to a loud alarm sounding across the Richard. Firstly, he removed a suspicious looking banana which was right in his line of walking. He took a field-glass from the vaguely intelligent Lieutenant. There to his horror he saw a German ship of destroyer class.


	3. Chapter 3

In fact, rather than removing the banana, he paused and indicated to George that George would be happy to oblige. And George did rather spectacularly fall on the ship's deck. Blackadder said to him, 'I rather think that his hilarious practical jape was set up by those three silly twats over there, but you were so stupid that you fell for it.'

'I think it's the three silly sods, actually, sir,' said George, getting up gingerly.

'Anyway, what is going on here?' Blackadder wondered, slopping on the ship's railings, his navy hat pulled down over his head to keep out the rain. Ahead there was a German destroyer and from it shells exploded in the water near the Richard, spraying water over it's decks. 'Looks like we might have some action, I wasn't looking forward to this. Still, only one good thing is that at least I am not in charge. I might well be a Captain by rank, but I have to admit that I know absolutely bugger all about the Navy and I would hate to have to make any command decisions at this point,' which he didn't like doing normally anyway. The quieter the life the better was Blackadder's idea though it rarely worked, at least not since the war started.

'Well, we have our own ship's captain, so I shouldn't worry about having to do that,' replied Dave. Dave also added as an aside, 'oh, and by the way, if you know nothing about the Navy, you are still probably a better commander than our current Captain!' much to Blackadder's satisfaction.

Lieutenant Dave pointed out the best ways to aim at the destroyer and the Richard replied in kind, causing some damage. Blackadder was just thinking that they might survive this one unscathed when one shell whizzed to the Richard iv. It was quite a visible shell and everyone looked at it. It whizzed above the head of the watchers, behind them to the bridge, and in front of Blackadder's very eyes exploded, killing the ship's captain stone dead. Blackadders thoughts were mixed. On the plus side he did think the Captain totally mad so his absence could only benefit the ships well-been. On the other hand, he was now in charge been the highest-ranked officer present and he couldn't hide or get out of this fact. This was going to be a challenge! Blackadder hated challenges. Almost as much as he hated been in charge of a crippled ship in he North Sea close to the German coastline thanks due to some particularly nutty navigation from the late ships captain. The destroyer had retreated, but it had done much damage. So much so that Blackadder decided to abandon the whole mission, which was a pretty daft one anyway. But heading back to Blighty wasn't easy. Leaking oil and its engines disabled, the journey was slow, and many German ships and u-boats were on the area.

Still, one thing he could do was to ensure that decisions which were made could be favorable to him, personally. As the journey was going to be slow, food was rationed. But not for Blackadder. Not on the sea, and not whilst he was feeling hungry. He was advised not to do this, as this might cause bad feelings for officer/men relations, but Blackadder did not care about officer/men relations when matters of his stomach were concerned. 'Things are bad enough around here, if people think that I am giving up my grub an all they are much mistaken!'

But this did cause resentment. So, the ratings had a meeting. 'This new captain, I hate him,' said one

'Who does he think he is, eating all our food whilst we go hungry,' said a silly sod.

'And he's so arrogant, hes not even a Navy man he's army,' said another.

'Let's get him then,' said Baldrick, whom should perhaps had been loyal to his commanding officer, but he liked to be with the majority.

'But how?' asked one.

The lead Silly sod said, 'Don't worry, I have a cunning plan,' and he pulled everyone around him to gathering a group hug to hear this. Everyone save Baldrick that is. The trouble with Baldrick was that whilst he had heard of soap, actually applying it to himself with water was a foreign concept to him. Having a group hug with Baldrick was enough to put anyone off the team-bonding concept. Mind, anyone in a team with Baldrick in it would be unwise to bound with him anyway. Anyway, the conspiracy was launched and a cunning and diabolical plan of revenge hatched. Most ratings on the ship were in on it and looked forward to it's hatching. The three sods left Blackadder's cabin in the early evening whilst he was out, giggling.

Later that evening,Blackadder had his suspicions that something was up. He had noticed people sniggering at him as he walked by and whispering in shadows. So, that evening he proceeded with caution. He was about to enter his cabin for his evening meal when he noticed something. He smiled and even chuckled grimly. He motioned toBaldrick whom was grinning behind him. 'Why don't you move forward?' Baldrick and did so. And when he did, a bucket of water which had been perched on top of the cabin's door fell right on top of Baldrick, showering him with cold water to a stony but unsurprising look from Blackadder. Blackadder noticed some of the crew lead by the 3 sods laughing anyway.

'Baldrick, how can you be so stupid to fall for and laugh at a practical joke which you were in on?' asked Blackadder.

'I don't know sir, I just got a bit confused,' was Baldrick's rather fuzzy reply.

Although the joke was intended for Blackadder it seemed to satisfy everyone that Blackadder had turned the tables and surprised someone else with it. Even the 3 silly sods were laughing and it was their idea of course. One said, 'Oh, Captain, you are a sport at least, perhaps we like you after all.'

Blackadder dismissed Baldrick and indicated for the 3 silly sods to come inside the Cabin for a firm chat. He told them to stand before him and he gave them all one of his most strong stares and Blackadder could do this to each one of them before continuing.'Now, then, I think that we understand each other. Let me be quite clear. You think that I am a "good sport," as it were, but let it be understood that I will not be fooled by, having my pants pulled down, banana skins on the deck, been taped on the wrong shoulder,' that one had been tried, 'raspberry toys,' he pulled one from one of the silly sods pockets, 'My shoelaces been tied together, or any other of your side-splitting musical japes. We do happen to be, in case you hadn't noticed, in a great deal of danger and we really do have to concentrate on getting home in one piece without any casualties. Though as it happens, I might not mind in the case of you 3. Have I made myself absolutely clear?' The sods agreed, but as Blackadder sat down, he heard a loud farting noise. He looked down on his chair. 'Whoopee cushions, however, might be a different story,' said he and threw it at them as they laughed.

The next day, however, did not prove to be so jolly. Wasn't jolly at all in fact. Blackadder woke up to wind, cold, stormy seas and hail. Driving hail coming down at an angle. And there was bad news. German ships had been spotted. A platoon of German ships in fact. Not just destroyers, including a small Battleship. With the King Richard crippled there was no out running them. Blackadder sighed as he watched the ships on the horizon trying to keep the hail from hitting him in the face as it ran down his jacket. This looked like a crisis situation. 'Ok, everyone, time for a meeting in my cabin, a large crisis needs a large plan,' he said and the senior officers followed him to the cabin for a meeting.


	4. Chapter 4

Blackadder's Naval larks, Chapter 4

Well, Blackadder is still in deep trouble. Trapped on a ship named after a King that did not even exist, deep in German waters, and surrounded by his idiot companions, save one, practical jokers, and worse by German ships. In the middle of the north sea and with companions that are less help than some of those on those films about people stuck on various naval vessels. If Baldrick's cunning plan, George's slightly sensible but not very practical plan, or Blackadder himself nicking a plan of Captain Picard does not work, can anything else save him from a rather damp end? Please read and review, hope you enjoy this, thanks, Hamfast.

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Inside the cabin with some of the other men, Blackadder was out of ideas himself. 'Suggestions, anyone?' he asked.

Dave, the vaguely competent Lieutenant was not of much help here. 'We are out gunned, and our enemy has spotted us and is in for the kill. I don't think we have any options. We can hope for reinforcements, but none are likely out here, I just hope we can swim.' Dave was competent, but not one of your more imaginative officers in the Navy.

'Not much help. Anyone else?' asked Blackadder.

'Can I help,' said a strange man, a rather scruffy rating, sweeping the floor but with a very large moustache,

'I rather doubt it,' said Blackadder shoving him out of the door, 'And shave your moustache a bit!'

George popped up with an idea. 'I know. I have a pistol here, and in this pistol is 13 bullets. I say, let me swim up to the lead ship, I am a champion swimmer as you know, with one shot I can take out each of the officers, make the rest of the ship surrender, take the ship over, one for the British Navy, use it together with this ship and do you know, I think that we would have enough firepower to take on the others, the cowardly Krauts are bound to surrender anyway, then we can sail all the way back to blighty and even have a chance to finish our mission as well which would go down in the glorious annals of the British Navy. What do you think?' everyone cheered at this plan save Blackadder and possibly Dave.

'Well, you are a good swimmer, that much is true,' said Blackadder, so far agreeing. 'But you also happen to be the very worse shot of anyone in the entire armed forces of Britain and her empire. Shooting straight is a skill which you simply do not possess. I think that blind people could shot straighter than you. With one arm,'

'I very much doubt that,' said George confidently and took out a pistol and shot at the wall. But Blackadder was correct. Just before George fired, he stumbled and the shot went wild, out of the window onto the ship's deck in fact, nearly taking out one of the silly sods. Blackadder gave him one of his looks. 'Ah, well, that was just a fluke, come one let me try again!'

'No, no,' said Blackadder putting his hand over George's pistol. He didn't want George's random shooting firing all over the ship at this time.

A small, bearded rather smelly figure came close to Blackadder. 'I have a cunning plan,' said Baldrick.

'Oh, no,' said Blackadder. The trouble with Baldrick's cunning plans was that they were always complete rubbish. 'Come on, then, out with it!'

'Well, that lead ship is the Baveria. This is skippered by one Captain Von Richoff. Now, I have heard of him, he is a tough man, but you can reason with him. What we do, is target our guns at that ship. Then we give him a message. We tell him that if he doesn't leave us alone, his vessel will be the focus of all of our firepower. And we ask, 'Will we die together?' Now, been a reasonable man, I have a hunch that Captain Von Richoff will not wish to do this. So, he will agree to retreat as long as we do so and we will outbluff him, just like Captain Picard did against that Romulan in Star Trek. Mind, to pull this off you will need to show every ounce of bluff you possess. Well, what do you think?'

Blackadder looked at Baldrick. He then replied. 'Well, I must admit that for one of your plans, that was quite a good one. I can't fault it much. Apart from one thing. If you remember, the only reason that worked in Star Trek was that the Romulan captain did not really want war with the Federation. Now, we are as you might have noticed, pretty much at war with these guys. I would be surprised if we can bluff the German captain out of this one. And remember that this ship's guns are not fully operational. There are four German ships and possibly U-boats out there. They would destroy us before we could inflict serious damage upon the main German ship. Also, I think you are confusing fandoms, this is and not Star Trek, so,' Blackadder pinched Baldrick on the nose. But then a little light went on in Blackadder's head. 'Although, thinking of Star Trek gives me an idea. Someone hand me that radio.'

Blackadder picked up the ship's radio. He put it too his mouth and spoke into it. 'Mayday, mayday. This is the Royal Navy ship the Richard 4th in serious trouble. Crippled and unable to move fast. The last thing we want is severe storms on the way which our systems show. Severe stroms? More like hurrican storms. With 20ft waves, enough to sink every ship in this area for miles around,' Blackadder spoke the last sentence slowly and with great emphasis upon the sinking. 'We would appreciate any help from anyone that could save us from certain sinking in this catastrophe.' He put down the radio with a little smile on his face. This news caused consternation amongst the crew who began to run around panicking. Save for Dave who had a reasonable idea of what Blackadder was thinking and had a little smile upon his face.

'Oh, no a severe storm we are all going to die,' cried George, the silly sods wailed and Baldrick put his face in his hands.

'We would have to abandon ship,' said someone.

This caused a sharp retort from Blackadder, 'If anyone is going to give the order to abandon ship, it will be me, all right?' he said.

In the meantime, in one of the German ships, a German first officer had been listening in on Blackadder's message. 'Mein Gott,' he exclaimed, 'The Britischers say that a major gale is on the way. Ve must be out of here before we sink!' he said to the Captain. The German captain was in a hurry to agree.

'But ze poor British ship, should ve not help them out of mercy?' saked one German rating.

The Captain took out a pistol and pointed it had the rating's head. 'You are vet around ze ears,' declared he. 'Ve will not be giving the British any, how do you say, sucker? Ve did not Vin the world cup by doing this! No, Ve had best head out of here, back to ze european coast' The Captain laughed, 'How stupid ze Britischers are. They give us information about a storm on the way. And in doing so, varn us about it. Ve are grateful to their adive. And so, ve will just sail out of the vay of it and leave the Britischers to zer fate. Why should ve care about them anyway, do we Germans have a reputation about been caring in warfare?' The captain gave an order for the German vessel to retreat.

There was only one Lieutenant, who looked a bit strange at this. 'I've heard the weather reports, there is nothing about major storms,' said he puzzled.

The Captain pointed the pistol at the Lieutenant's head. He was quite good at doing this! 'You are stupid as well,' he declared. 'Our report must be wrong. Ze Britizers have expert weather prediction systems, you should know that they never get it vong. Come on, ve are out of here,' he ordered.

Dave looked up his binoculars. 'The Germans appear to be retreating,'

'Good,' said Blackadder.

He then looked up from the radio, 'they have left us a message, 'no chance of help, swines, ve leave you to your fate,' and some strange thing about 7-1,'

Then there became some considerable confusion. 'You mean that there isn't a major storm on the way? Why say it then?' asked George.

'I don't quite understand,' said Baldrick.

Blackadder was tempted to hit the table with his head. 'Good lord, even Captain Kirk never had to deal with cretins like you. I will explain and if you listen very carefully, you may understand, or else you can live all of your lives in a fog more stupid than a Klingon 2nd lieutenant. We were having some trouble with some German ships, yes? I had to try to get rid of them. So, I send out a false message about there been major storms on the way. Causing them to believe, this, been very stupid, fortunately for us, then they get out of the way and we can make our own way back to blighty. Get it, is there someone there save Dave with an ounch of brains with them?'

There was a considerable pause as many of the crew tried to think, not something that came naturally to many. George put his finger in his mouth and made popping noises. The 3 silly sods stood on one leg each as they concentrated hard. Then, strangely, it was Baldrick who understood what had happened. 'Oh, yes, just like Captain Kirk did against the renegrade Klingons in episode 25!'

'Well, done, Baldrick, though I do sometimes wonder about your strange moments of semi-coherence!'

'Thank you, Mr. B!'

'Also, how do you know so much about a program that hasn't been made yet?' Blackadder asked.

'How comes you know so much about it, sir?'

'Hmmmm, tosay!'

Dave was looking at the German vessels with his field-glasses. 'Sir, it seems that one of the ships hasn't gone away. The major one as well.'

'Give me that, Yes, it seems one is still out there. Didn't they get my message or where they not fooled by it?' Blackadder wasn't to know until later, but my some strange quirk of fate, that ship had radio problems and had not received any message. It was still in for the kill. A shell thumped near the Richard 4th. As far as Blackadder was aware, the ship was still onto them. The Richard 4th would have difficulty coping with even one destroyer. Blackadder looked down at the sea. The rain was softer, but the wind was harder and colder. The Sea looked choppy, cold, and very wet. 'Looks like we could still be in deep trouble here,' he sighed. 'I'm out of ideas on this one!'

'Unless we have some help from a rather spiffing bloke,' suggested George.


	5. Chapter 5

Blackadder's Naval larks, Chapter 5.

The final part of this Blackadder story. Captain B. is in trouble with insane commands, idiot subordinates, surrounding Germans and worse of all this is at Sea. His ship is now crippled and nearly sinking, they are out of cunning plans and as George, for once with a bit of perception says are in need of a really spiffing bloke. But will one be found, out here in the cold, very cold, and dangerous north sea. Hope you enjoy this, leave a review if you want to, Ham.

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There was a bang and a flash of light. Quite were someone managed to get a light from was open to debate, or possibly it was a flash of lightning. Anyway, the person that Blackadder had previously chucked out of the cabin made a reappearance. A dramatic one as well. He was clad in slightly long hair, a ratings uniform, but one which was slightly different to the others and a beard with a interesting moustache. 'Did someone say a rather spiffing bloke? Well, how about me? Lord Flashart to the rescue, hurrah!' this shout was repeated by everyone save possibly Blackadder. 'And what a rescue! Well, you guys seems to be having a spot of bother with some Kraut ships, well, I suggest that you let me deal with them. I am more Super than Superman, have more Iron than Ironman more of a Spider than Spiderman, more er, Batty than Batman.'

'Fine, so what are you going to do,' asked Blackadder.

'Just you watch. I will swim over there. I am a champion swimmer to boot. I can swim faster than any of those American or Australian swimmers that will win all of those gold medals in the Olympics in future years. Thorpe, eat your heart out. Anyway over I go,' and with that, Lord Flashart jumped over the ship, splashed into the sea and swam over to the German destroyer. He climbed over the metal side and jumped quietly onto the vessel. As it happened his gun had been rendered useless in the swimming, but no matter. He sneaked over to one armed German seaman. 'Eat this, Fritzzy,' he cried and punched the seaman out cold and took his gun. Then he used it to shot German after German, not missing with one shot.

The German were unsure about what to do about this. Flashart was only one man as the German captain kept saying, but he rolled over, dived, jumped and avoided any of the German bullets. At one stage one bullet looked to get him, but he jumped and opened his legs and let the bullet pass just under him.

Watching, those on the Richard 4th cheered enthusiastically. That Flashart was certainly something. It was all going so well. Until Blackadder made a little but crucial mistake. And it was Blackadder, he couldn't deny, later he wondered how he could have been so stupid. All he did was order for covering fire. But he forget that George was in earshot and would be doing some, the worse shot in all of the British armed forces as Blackadder himself had said. It did take a major effort from George to get his shot onto the German ship.

But sadly, it hit Lord Flashart right in the shoulder. Just as Flashart was getting to the German bridge. Brilliant as he was, even Lord Flashart could not take on a German destroyer by himself with a wounded shoulder. He did however, fall into the sea and was able to swim back to shore, but took not further part in this adventure. And the destroyer began to attack the Richard 4th with full power. Blackadder began to have that sinking feeling. Which, ironically enough, the rest of the ship was about to be doing. There was no choice now but to head for the lifeboats, as explosions ripped through the ship.

It was not an easy trip back to France on those lifeboats. No food but some gulls, bad weather, cold and still many German vessels to dodge. But after many days, a wet, hungry, cold, tired and miserable Blackadder made it back to shore. Himself, George and Baldrick were still alive, but many were not. On the way down, a deadly fire had started on the Richard killing many. The 3 silly sods died, but Blackadder did not mourn them overmuch, but Dave also had died on a leaky lifeboat on the way back. Blackadder had gone the wrong way for a while, not been an expert on North Sea currents, had not much food apart from the odd smelly gull, had to endure quite a few cunning plan suggestions from Baldrick and some rather inconsistent philosophy from George. Then, at the end, there was a tidal surge and the 3 of them were knocked out of their lifeboat and had to swim the remainder of the way to the French shoreline, only just making it before Blackadder's legs gave way.

Anyway, Blackadder made it right back to General Melchitt's mansion. It had not chanced much in his absence, soldiers were still drilling outside, maybe Melchitt had given his large, bushy, moustache a little did think that Melchitt would have been annoyed with him as, after all, the mission had not been the greatest of success but strangely, Melchitt was in a good mood. He even laughed, 'I think that I will send you back to the trenches. You know, I thought that the Navy would not be quite your cup of tea. You can even have a week's leave if you like,' Blackadder wondered why Melchitt was been suspiciously reasonable. He soon found out.

Blackadder bumped into Bob, short for Kate, on the way back. She said, 'Hello, Captain B. I hear that your time in the Navy was interesting to say the least.' Blackadder had to agree. 'However, do not be too overjoyed by the General's generosity. The only reason that he is sending you back to the trenches is that he needs every man and every officer in particular that he can get.' She lowered her voice and spoke into Blackadder's ear softly. 'Big push. In two weeks. You will be leading the charge. I think it only fair that you know about it,'

Blackadder was pleased with the information. 'So, we will be attacking the Jerries at last,' said George.

'Not if I can think of a very cunning plan to get out of it,' replied Blackadder.

THE END


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